And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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