we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
