I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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