I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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