There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
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Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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