he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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