Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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