She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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