Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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