i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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