How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
