she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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