I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
