hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i now understand why vodka
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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