so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
