no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
