it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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