just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
