Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
