i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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