I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
