Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
