sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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