i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
