Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
