Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
