Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
