she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
