I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity