Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.