I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
