dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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