the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
