Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
