Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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