If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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