Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I love having hate sex.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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