Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
