It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I want to be your penis for a week.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
