How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
