Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
