1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Me too!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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