i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
