You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
