She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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