I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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