Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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