That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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