Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
