she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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