Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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