you're like a bully in the Christmas story
farters have to be the big spoon...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
