I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
