What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!