Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
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the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.