Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.