my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
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You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?