guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
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I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...