there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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