He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
