I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
