Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
