I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need to calm my uterus...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
