the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
